


For Forever, but ghosts

by moldymilk



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Ghosts, Ghost!Connor, Light Angst, M/M, Suicide, Trees, ghost!evan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-07
Updated: 2017-05-14
Packaged: 2018-10-29 07:44:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10849542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moldymilk/pseuds/moldymilk
Summary: Connor came back from scaring a few kids to find that Evan killed himself. They live together as ghosts and Evan gets to know the real Connor.





	1. Chapter 1

weeks ago, to the day, I killed myself. I was just tired of everything, so I did it, leaving behind my almost-friend to pick up my mess. He fucked up pretty badly, too. He did have a crush on my sister. After I died, I began to follow him around. Not going to lie, I kinda hated him. He lied about who I was for my personal gain, my dad saw him as the son I never was, etc, but he kept my memory alive. At least until people found out he faked literally everything about our friendship. 

 

After everything went to shit, Evan couldn't take it. So he took so many more pills than necessary, killing himself, meaning that I had to confront him about what he had done.  I didn't expect to come back from scaring the shit out of some random kid to find him staring at me. 

 

Normally, when Evan looked at me, he looked through me. How could he not, given that I was pretty fucking dead? But this time, this time was different. He wasn't looking through me, he was looking _at_ me, with a face filled with regret and surprise.  

 

"Connor, you're- No. You're dead." 

 

"So are you, genius." He stared at me blankly. "Do you want to stick around until people find your body or not?" 

 

"I think I should leave." 

 

So I grabbed Evan's ghost-hand, lead him outside, and asked him where he wanted to go. He responded by dragging me to an abandoned orchard, where he raced towards the tallest tree. I reluctantly followed, just to make sure he didn't get hurt and so I could explain the ghost-rules shit. 

 

Once he reached the tree, I stopped him before he could climb it, "Listen, Evan. You killed yourself, and that's a bad thing, so you're freaked out and all that, but you need to know a few things about being a ghost. Number one: You can touch and move things if you try hard enough. That gets easier as time goes on. Number two: You can make yourself kinda visible, like I did with you, but that takes a lot of effort. Number three: You don't have basic needs anymore. You don't need to sleep, eat, piss, and all that jazz anymore. Number four: it gets pretty boring. I followed you around because why not, but now you're dead. So it's gonna get pretty boring. Number five: I wouldn't recommend going to your own funeral. There's really no point, it just made me a little sad. You're stuck like this for a while, so you have plenty of time for regret. Number six: haunting kids is fun, but adults is better. Understand?" 

 

Evan stared at me for a minute, nodded, then started climbing the tree. I followed, because why not? 

 

Soon enough, we were at the top, staring at a vast expanse of sky. Evan shifted, staring at _me_  instead of the sky, and I looked back at him. 

 

"Ynow, Connor, this is almost exactly what I told your parents happened." 

 

"I know, Evan. I was there." 

 

"Except for me falling and all that." 

 

"Maybe I should push you. I haven't figured out if ghosts can break limbs yet." He chuckled, then rolled over. 

Because Evan rolled over, he fell. I figured I had better get down and help him. I had more experience being a ghost than him, but before this moment, I didn't know how to float quite yet, but there I was, not falling, floating. Somehow my not-falling was faster than Evan's falling, because I reached the ground before him. I outstretched my arms, catching him. We stayed in that position for a minute or two, before I gently released his legs so he could stand up. 

 

"I guess you really fell for me, Evan Hansen" He blushed, then leaned up against the tree trunk. 

 

"That was actually fun. You're really strong if you can catch me from that height- I mean thanks." God, he was adorable. But he still liked my sister, right? 

 

"You're adorable, Evan" 

 

He blushed, yet again, and I found myself staring at him. I had known him from around school before, but during the six weeks  I followed him, I never realized how much I had grown attached to him. I mean, I have maybe half a conversation with him and then I bend the laws of physics to save him from falling out of a tree? I almost let him in? God, Connor, you're getting soft. He's not gay. I don't know about myself, but Evan liked my sister. I don't think I've ever had a crush on a girl.  

 

"Hey Connor?" Evan's voice jolted me out of my head and back into real life. 

 

"Yeah" 

 

"Can ghosts smoke pot? Like can you get high even though you're dead?" 

 

"Yes." 

 

"Is ghost marijuana a thing?" 

 

"Nope. I just steal real weed." 

 

"Are you high right now?" I paused for a minute. 

 

"I don't think so." 

 

Evan stared at me. It almost looked like he was trying to memorize every detail of my face. Not going to lie, I wanted to memorize every detail of his face too. We stopped staring at each other's faces and just looked into each other's _eyes_. No talking, just gazing. Evan's eyes were wide with what looked like regret. Once again, Evan broke the silence. 

 

"I'm sorry for what I did. For pretending to be your friend and-" I cut him off. 

 

"There's no need to apologize. You kept people thinking of me, and that's what I wanted. Besides, we're friends now, right?" 

 

"Yeah. We're friends." 

 

Finally, me, Connor Murphy, the outcast, had a friend. A wonderful friend. One I wouldn't mind hanging out with for at least the next 20 ish years.  


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this while crying in my closet have fun kiddos

"Connor" 

 

"Evan" 

 

"What made you follow me?" 

 

"I knew that my parents would most likely interrogate you about the note, so I wanted to stick around for that. Then when you lied, it began to feel like a shitty movie. It does have an interesting plot line, and the ending only adds to it." 

 

"Oh. Okay." 

 

Evan and I had been sitting at the base of the tree for probably eight hours now, Evan occasionally asking questions and me answering them. I think I slept for the first time in three weeks. 

 

"Evan" 

 

"Yeah" 

 

"Get up. I'm taking you somewhere." 

 

"Where are we going?" 

 

"It's a surprise." 

 

"Is it going to result in death?" 

 

"Hansen, you're dead. I'm dead. I don't think it's possible to get deader." 

 

He let me take his hand, and then we were off. We walked for a while, just until we were outside a house, which he seemed to recognize. 

 

"Connor, why are we outside Jared Klienman's house?" 

 

"I hate him and I need to show you how to make yourself appear." 

 

"Oh. Okay."   
 

I glided through the front door easily, and I helped Evan get through. The two of us walked up to Jared's room, Evan beginning to look just a little more uncomfortable. Jared's door was closed, so I helped Evan through that, too. The two of us flopped on Jared's bed because he was sitting at his desk, probably watching porn. 

 

"Okay, Evan, watch this" I felt his eyes on me as I focused hard, then reached towards his computer, pressing the power button, successfully turning it off. Jared cursed, obviously annoyed, then turned it back on. 

 

"Now you try." Evan stood up, walked over to Jared's desk, then tried to push the button unsuccessfully. He looked a little disappointed, so he tried again with the same result.  

 

"Try focusing. Like really hard, on something that grounds you. Something that can pull you out of your head. That's what I do." So he tried again, but instead of the hitting the button, he knocked a pencil off the desk. I patted him on the back, like normal people do. Normal. The two of us were anything but normal. We were ghosts, for fuck's sake. 

 

I noticed Evan was looking a little distraught, so I offered for us to leave. He accepted, and I instructed him to get on my back while I jumped out the window. He was hesitant, but eventually I convinced him. Evan was lighter than I expected him to be, but then again, it had been weeks since the last time I had physical contact with another human.  

 

A little more carefully than I would normally be, I jumped out of the window. I didn't fall, just like the last time, it was more like floating down. Even after we reached the ground, Evan stayed on my back, clinging like he was afraid of falling. Begrudgingly, I let him stay on my back. He then asked to go back to the tree, and I obliged. 

 

"Did you have anyone to stick around for? Anything all that you had to let go of?" I snorted. 

 

"Did you?" 

 

"I let go of forgiveness. The idea of forgiveness. Your family could've forgiven me, Connor. Zoe and I could be- I mean Zoe could forgive me for lying about you. Jared could forgive me and actually call me his friend. My mom could forgive me for lying that much. Did you have anything like that?" 

 

"No." 

 

"Why?" 

 

"I had no friends, Evan. I was the freak in our class. You heard what Jared said to me on the first day of school. No one liked me. My grades weren't good enough to get into a good college. I didn't want to go to fucking college, but my parents were making me. I wouldn't have had a choice in my future. So what was the point?" 

 

"Oh." Evan looked down for what felt like the thousandth time that day. "Did you ever have a friend, or a girlfriend, or anyone?" It was my turn to look down, and I felt myself getting sad. 

 

"No." 

 

"Not anymore. We're friends, right?" 

 

"Yeah" I had never thought about it that way. My initial plan was to suddenly leave Evan after he had everything figured out, I had never thought about staying for a while, especially with him. When I first became a ghost, I never thought that I would be sitting in a tree with another ghost six weeks later. No part of me thought I would ever have a soft spot for Evan Hansen. I guess the kid did make people like me after all.  

 

"Hey Evan?" 

 

"Hey Connor." 

 

"How exactly did you break your arm? I mean the truth this time, none of the I-fell-out-of-the-tree shit. There has to be more to the story. I've seen you climb this tree more than once. You wouldn't just fall." I felt Evan tense up next to me. 

 

"It did involve a tree. That tree over there, actually," he pointed to one of the neighboring trees, "I was climbing it, and I started thinking. About death, you know, and how insignificant we are. So I let go. I let go of the branch I was holding, in hope that the fall would kill me. It didn't, however, I just broke my arm." I was silent for a minute, then I laughed. 

 

"Damn, Hansen, trees really make you get deep." He nervously laughed. 

 

"I guess they do." He leaned his head on my shoulder, letting it rest there. Some little part in my brain made me lean my head against his. 

 

About fifteen minutes later, Evan started softly snoring. I thought it was cute, frankly. We were just two ghost boys, one gay and one unknown, watching the sunsets and sunrises, for forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> check out my tumblr @moldymilk


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have no idea what i'm gonna do for my next fic so if you have requests lemme know lmao

It had been three weeks since Evan killed himself. I barely left his side throughout those weeks, because he couldn't deal with being alone. I also hadn't left because I actually liked Evan. For the first time, I had a reason to _stay_.  

 

"You haven't smoked," Evan said, breaking our silence. He was laying with his head on my legs, underneath our tree. "I haven't seen you smoke once." I thought for a minute. I _hadn't_  smoked. Not since Evan died. 

 

"Yeah, that's true" 

 

"Why?" 

 

"I found a reason not to." Evan relaxed a bit. I wonder if he knew the reason was _him_. I didn't want to scare him off, I didn't want to hurt him, I just wanted to stay here. With him, forever. I drifted off to sleep, leaning against the trunk.  

 

I woke up to warmth. A lot more warmth than I was used to. I was engulfed in warm, something that hadn't happened since I was young. For a moment, I felt like I was back in first grade, before everyone began to think of me as a freak because of the printer accident, back when I was normal. Back when I had friends and a future. Back when I was _happy_. I pressed into the warmth, only to be surprised when it moved back. 

 

Opening my eyes, I realized the warmth was Evan. My head was on his chest, and both of his arms were wrapped around me.  

 

"Evan?" 

 

"Yeah?" 

 

"How long was I asleep?" 

 

"I'm guessing it was around 12 hours." Damn. Given that I hadn't slept for six weeks, I was surprised I hadn't slept for longer. Either way, I was glad Evan was there, holding me. 

 

"Napping's a lot more fun than I remember. I'll have to do it more often." 

 

"When was the last time you slept, before that?" 

 

"Ehhh, probably six weeks ago. I can't exactly remember." 

 

"Shit, Connor," Did Evan just swear? "You need to sleep more than that."  

 

"Evan did you just swear?" 

 

"Yeah, I think" 

 

"I guess I'm rubbing off on you more than I thought." It's nice to have a friend. I sat up and leaned back against the tree. 

 

 "What's your story, Evan" 

 

"What?" 

 

"Your life story. There has to be more than one reason why. You don't have to answer if you don't want to, I'm just curious." 

 

"That's okay. Well, um, my dad left when I was seven. He moved to Colorado with my step mom, leaving just me and my mom to fend for ourselves. She works two jobs. Or worked. I don't know anymore. She was never home, so I was on my own most of the time. Jared was the closest thing I had to a friend, but he never listened to my problems, so I just bottled them up," He looked up at me, his eyes filled with sorrow, "So when I got to the top of the tree, the bottle broke and I let go. It didn't work, obviously, so then I went back to school, you died, and you know the rest." 

 

"Okay." 

 

"What about you?" 

 

"My life, or why?" 

 

"Both." 

 

"I've always had anger issues. That caused the printer accident. Nobody wanted to go near me after that. So I was alone for most of my childhood, except for Zoe. And I was okay with that. Then, when I was fourteen, I started smoking. Marijuana only magnified my anger issues, so I would constantly yell at Zoe and my family. It drove us apart, and suddenly I was alone again. My parents started fighting. Nothing had changed four years later, so that's why." 

 

"Oh. I had no idea." 

 

"Do you still like her?" I had promised myself I wasn't going to bring it up until later, maybe in a year or so, but my brain decided it was time. Fuck. 

 

"Zoe?" 

 

"Who else?" I was struggling to keep calm. I didn't want to get mad at Evan. I didn't want to ruin the first friendship I'd had since first grade.  

 

"I haven't seen her in a while, but yeah. I think so." I stood up so fast it shocked me. Then I started running. I couldn't snap at Evan. I had already snapped at him once for liking Zoe, before we were friends, and I didn't want to scare him away. Not now. So I ran, branches and leaves scraping my face, not stopping for a good fifteen minutes. I rested, then I heard some sounds from behind me, so I started running again, slower this time.  

 

When I stopped, I was sitting on the edge of a bridge. Cars drove past, but none of them could see me. I contemplated jumping and letting the current wash me away, but I couldn't leave Evan. I figured I would just go back to our tree if a few days. I hoped he didn't try to follow me. 

 

Just my luck, he did follow me. It took him some time, but he found me. I was still sitting on the edge of the bridge, wishing I could die again. 

 

"Connor!" I didn't respond. 

 

"Connor, please answer me." Again, I didn't respond. 

 

"I get that you're protective over Zoe. I'm sorry for making you mad. Just please don't run away again." I could hear the desperation in his voice.  

 

"Evan, what do you think of me?" He sat on the railing with me.  

 

"I think you're an amazing person. You're my only friend. You have so much depth, like there are so many layers of you. It's beautiful, Connor. You're a beautiful person." I leaned in just a little closer to him.  

 

"I didn't run away because of Zoe. I ran away because I didn't want to snap at you. I don't want to scare you away, because I care about you. I don't want to yell at you, but my emotions can take control. I don't want you to leave, Evan. I- I love you." Evan stared at me, before smashing his lips against mine. I felt myself appear just a little bit, and I think Evan did too. I wondered if the people driving across the bridge could see two ghost boys, the freak and the one with anxiety, making out.  

 

Eventually, we made it back to our tree, as a couple this time. Now, I definitely wouldn't mind spending forever with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> check out my tumblr @moldymilk

**Author's Note:**

> check out my tumblr @moldymilk


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